merry christmas from my happy place: starbucks. as i grip a mug of peppermint mocha and think about next month’s manicure from a continent that doesn’t celebrate chrissy and where the inhabitants go to temples on the new year’s day of an entirely different calendar, i wish that you feel sexy and uplifted this holiday season.

ten new vlogs lol:

3 passes + ebc | gokyo—ramechhap
what i ordered from the united states after not being there for five years.
the rest of my orders.
what i eat in a week | vietnam
eat.
raspberry days.
katie’s perfect snack.
katie’s wish.
it might get redefined.
biryani in bed.

Monthly Mood: Paddle Out

you know, all this bullshit starts to taste good when you don’t have them for six years and subsist on a local diet of rice and vegetables.

the aftermath still feels like a standard, all-american hell though.

it’s not my time. it’s not my time to travel deep into the villages finding out how every variation of rice paper is milled and discovering where durian and fish sauce and the first bowl of pho come from, interviewing and documenting. there are things i need to take care of first, that involve city comforts and electricity and refrigeration and flushing toilets.

changes are coming. i’ve made the difficult decision to stop monthly moods and create elsewhere. but not before i stop writing all together and just take a break from it all.

i am proudly funemployed but have constant pressure from my own self to work long and hard on things that earn me nothing. it is an act of art but also a self-imposed constraint from about age seven.

in february i’ll have dicked around for six full years and can highly recommend it.

gerry lopez explains that “when in doubt, paddle out” means that when you’re not sure about that next step you’re contemplating, just go for it.

i add that we can’t paddle into the next wave of our lives without first paddling out.

i personally believe it is rare to feel really “ready” for something before you actually just start.

just start.

it’s how the last six years happened.

it’s how great things will come.

2023 wowed me. i changed so many things that i’d held onto for decades. i changed my brain.

imagine that self-exploration took going to a random city and staying in an apartment for a year and familiarizing with every groove of one mattress and one toilet seat because all you’ve ever known is being on the move and all you’ve ever felt is unwelcome. rushed. guilty.

with my amazing home came access to two surf breaks.

2023 was the year i finally sat down with my surfing and started taking it seriously. it took certain things: very little, very flexible employment. also known as funemployment. the personal choice to invest my savings to learn it well and learn it the long way. realizing it’s not a few months of consistency but a year of going most days that gets you out of the beginner phase. youtube education that led to an addiction to aesthetic vlogs trying to sell you something you don’t need. feeling like a fool. uv exposure. world-class hair tangles.

boys stepping into my hotel room without warning with a puppy dog smile on their face, boys asking me on the beach if we could spend that night together, and boys just barging in and forcing themselves on top of me without any facial or verbal cues. after i’d already been fast asleep for an hour.

many adult learners will scream “surfing is the hardest thing i’ve ever done!!!!!”

for me it’s alright. definitely no small feat. demanding enough to get me out of my head.

on a flat, blinding day in mid-december when the water was more emerald than not, i felt a new sort of pain in my side. the muscles in my ribs were complaining. of course i made the mature decision to keep surfing on it for an hour under the cloudless sky till noon, days before the swell of the year hit, because i really understand delayed gratification.

admitting that i should probably not surf on it went from one day, to three days, to a week. it knocked the wind out of me to sit up, to twist, to sneeze.

the uncertainty of when i could go back was devastating. i didn’t feel okay. i felt trapped. zero non-surfing forms of exercise appeal to me.

this is purely an issue of ego. i stupidly stay out for hours past everyone else. maybe when i was doing a yoga asana supine on a surfboard for a drone shot and lost my balance, i jolted my intercostals out of place to not fall.

i’m so done with myself.

done burdening myself to be my own medical advisor, i went to my chilled out russian doc and she medicated me and i feel an improvement.

the best present i can give myself is a short little christmas surf.

i consider doubling therapy next year because i have so much to talk through with someone. my therapist says she believes my trip is saving my life.

and finally

i will drop social media because i want to be me and not what ai wants me to be. yet i wouldn’t be surprised if ai made me make this choice too.

instagram feels like playing a nintendo game that i just keep sucking at.

facebook has already been the biggest boner-kill for the last ten years.

i knew better than to even try tik tok.

youtube is trickier because it has been key in navigating surf theory and disordered eating.

honestly they are all poison. people appraise the youtube community for supportiveness but still. it’s the digital universe. it’s a virtual reality. all apps leave me feeling like shit, anxious, jealous, and ready to stress-shop and binge-eat. they are making my wallet and cholesterol-status poor.

it only took 20 years but i’ve finally learned to value myself enough to shield me from that harm.

thank you for being here with me. i sincerely hope that you can see yourself in at least something i’ve said.

happiest new year.

i gently invite you to

chase more calories and less boys

and

catch more waves and less feelings.

obsessions

7’2” bamboo deck tri fin
burgundy nails
christmas music in vietnam
glass conditions over reef
being myself
knowing my own surfing better than anyone else
asking for what i want
english-speakers in the lineup
desktop background of me properly stuck into the wave face
ray la montague
cacio e pepe omelet @ optimist cafe
asking boys for coffee
taking myself for coffee
you’re losing me (from the vault)
overcoming
manicure tips
nail glitter
starbucks gingerbread latte
red roses
сырники
chè bưởi
cơm tấm chay @ bồ đề sao
bún riêu
hot white rice with nori sheets
cinnamon rolls
mama knows gluten-free banana muffins