and just like that,

summer snapped to autumn

 

Monthly Mood: $pend

“you know, sometimes i really dislike you
but i don’t know why i don’t stop caring and treating you well
treat you too well”

—received in my zalo

Hi.

In September the dentists in town diagnose me with four cavities.

I realize that perhaps the regular cleanings I’d gotten every year or so on this trip didn’t include a medical checkup, where they say “by the way, your molars are rotting away.”

So now I know and go in once a week for drills and fills.

I love my dentist. She tells me her life story and messages me with love to make sure I am informed and comfortable.

The first dentist I tried at the really reputable clinic was touching the computer screen with the tool she’d then put in my mouth.

Sometimes I wonder what doctors in Vietnam learned in school. Next to their name the degree is usually BSc. Does that mean we have the same degree, a Bachelor’s of Science?

I certainly feel that I have been equally educated. That you can’t put something in a patient’s mouth and poke around and then smear it all over the same computer screen.

Somewhere along my visa runs I lose my pair of Harry Potter glasses I’d gotten in Nepal to help me see Mt. Everest clearly.

I finally get a new pair. The cheapest frames and lens. I love.

I finally bite the bullet and go for the Smeg espresso machine I’d lusted after for so long. Without Vietnamese banking I can only pay for online shopping in cash. The ATM only dispensed 100,000 notes ($4). I freak out my landlord when I pass the amount to him, the equivalent of two month’s rent, since he always receives my packages.

I unbox and am dismayed to find the interior of the steam wand is entirely lined with plastic. The whole machine is light and plasticy. Like a toy. After I pull one espresso, I see that the inside of the filter holder is also lined with plastic.

I couldn’t care less (why do we say ‘couldn’t’) if it’s from Germany and BPA-free. Plenty of science shows that any plastic degrades over time, especially when exposed to warm temperatures, and if it doesn’t have BPA it’s gonna have BP-something.

I am trying to limit my exposure to things that will further derail my estrogen levels. It is essential to maintaining healthy Candida balance, less painful periods, and straying away from conditions like PCOS.

I asked the shop for a return and refund. While they were angelic to me up until then, they started telling me that I should have researched the product better, they don’t accept refunds, and proceeded to have the audacity to ask me what I do in cafes?

I avidly avoid heated plastic when dining anywhere. I didn’t know it was standard to use plastic in the steaming parts of lower-end espresso machines. My friend said that even her Breville steam wand has a rubber nozzle inside the stainless steel wand.

I write a scathing review (why do I feel unethical when I didn’t do anything wrong) and order a separate filter holder that is compatible with my machine.

 

 

snail eggs!

Then there was the beach boy drama that I really didn’t see coming. That I really don’t want.

Turns out if you ask for a guy’s date of birth, depending on how cray he be, it means you’re hitting on him or leading him on.

I also am beginning to feel that many Vietnamese people really don’t like being asked questions. It feels like I have offended so many doctors and surfers by just being myself.

One surfer admitted to me that when he first met me he found me so annoying. Now a surfer is saying I ask so many questions when he’s trying to work. Which is interesting because he calls me a VIP customer, and answering questions is his work.

Asking questions is a mechanism for protecting myself when I solo travel to unfamiliar places without speaking the language. When I was bleeding and feeling mutilated on an exam table in February, when a surfer sexually assaulted me in April, when the doctor who drove a scope up my butt wasn’t the doctor who had briefed me in July, I only wished I’d asked more questions.

The current complaining beach boy says that I was too friendly and it made him care too much about me and made him treat me too well.

I’d like to ask, how can you treat someone “too well?”

?

???

I am left speechless. Every time he gave me a lift home, I asked, are you sure? Can we call the bus to come pick me up? I left enough room for Jesús Jose and Maria between us on that motorbike. I turned down his offer to go to a waterfall. When he invited me to go surfing, I asked which boards we’d bring and if I could work with my schedule during the days out of town and which days we’d go because I don’t know how to not ask those things if we are gonna go for a week.

He says I lied to him about my birthday when I’d already forgotten the existence of such a conversation. I told him I never lied to him. To which he says it’s not that hard to mishear, and that he’s even got a friend who was there to prove it!

!

!!

Oh.

The two of you haven’t misunderstood me every damn day for the past three months?

 

When it finally sinks in that I have zero people to share mooncakes with for Mid-Autumn, I book a solo getaway for my soul.

A soul-o surf trip.

On the last day of September I catch my first wave in Đà Nẵng.

In all, I love September. I enjoy some great conversations with some girlfriends and get more comfortable having them over at my place.

My home is such a vibe, and increasingly so, that it really ought to be used to host more people.

Which it will in October. Five friends are visiting my city. One of them is easily the most important person in my life.

Instead of using my resources to see the world, I redirect them towards my wellness. I start sessions with Nami.

She tells me that given my childhood lifestyle, I was never allowed to be emotionally authentic. I had to be perfect to survive.

She says I lived in cortisol and my gut had to sacrifice itself so that the rest of my body would not die.

I tried two professionals from Better Help and didn’t feel heard or understood. Both were late. Both were far older. Both told me anecdotal stories to be relatable where the examples fell cringingly short and dry, lacking taste and tone.

I realized that the current Vivian needs a therapist of color to feel like they can accurately relate to me. I specifically want to try an Asian American therapist.

My college housemate used to write on her mirror,

“be unapologetically you.”

Cheers to crispier evenings, cuddle weather, and the best season of the year.

obsessions

rylla kids-size cotton buds
stroopwaffles
daissy vegan aged gouda
sauvignon blanc
my students
bristol 1 stools
tapioca beetroot paper
purple sweet potatoes
mini taros
cocoon vietnam coconut lip balm
niacinimides
iced oat milk matcha lattes
way of cashew coconut butter
way of paprika flax crackers
green sticky rice mooncakes
8’2” longboard
sessions
house plants
gỏi mít

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