108 telltale signs that you’re hopelessly in love—a tribute to spending one full year in India.

 

 

1. “Chappals” is your word of choice for your open-toed footwear.

2. You eat dal-rice with your hands even when you are served with a spoon.

3. You say “ji” a lot.

4. You like to, and are able to, fall asleep with the windows open to the sounds of children, dogs, and roaring moos.

5. You don’t need an explanation for what a “roaring moo” is.

6. You can fall asleep in a fully lit train car to the sound of Hindi phone conversations.

7. Awakening at dawn to the barks of fighting street dogs is not noteworthy.

8. You stepped in fresh dog shit.

9. You stepped in fresh cow shit.

10. You forgive all the animals whose shit you stepped in because it still feels like home.

 

 

11. You lost body fat.

12. Your relationship with food is different.

13. Your relationship with your mind is different.

14. Your relationship with cardamom is different.

15. Your chai spices are whole, not ground, and are growing mold from the monsoons.

16. You can resist the urge to collect all the plastic litter from every walk in the woods or along the beach.

17. When you do collect litter, you’ve tried all the snacks of the wrappers you’re picking up.

18. Your roommate has accidentally locked you in the room.

19. You’ve accidentally locked your roommate in the room.

 

 

20. You chased rhesus macaque monkeys out of your room.

21. A village wedding has kept you well-fed for multiple days in a row.

22. You like vegan menus but an inner voice demands cow’s milk and ginger in your afternoon tea.

23. Your diet is supplemented by a constant supply of ink toxins from old newspapers.

 

 

24. A mouse has destroyed at least one article of clothing.

25. Monkeys have destroyed at least one article of clothing.

 

 

26. You say “arrey” and “challo” to yourself.

27. You prefer trains and their squat toilets over planes and buses.

28. You received darshan and prasad from the guru of an ashram.

29. You stayed at an ashram.

30. You broke at least one rule at an ashram.

31. You used a chillum.

32. You know the neighborhood gurudwaras that you can swing by for free meals on any day.

33. You helped do dishes at a gurudwara.

34. You stopped caring that the guesthouse blankets aren’t changed between guests.

35. You stopped caring about the potential electrocution hazards of walking down the street.

 

 

36. You’ve used at least a dozen Indian pharmaceutical products.

37. You lived in a mountain village without a heater.

38. You lived in a beach village without aircon.

39. Furniture for your accommodation has arrived balanced atop a woman’s head.

40. You pay rent by the month.

41. Your Airbnb hostess complimented your masala chai and asked what you put in it.

42. You keep saying “acha” over the phone to people who have never stepped foot in South Asia.

43. You discover one day that you can sit in full lotus.

44. You start hearing accents beyond Hindi when locals speak English, such as a less accentuated Kannada accent or a more rolled Telugu accent.

45. You’re waking up and craving upma for breakfast and you talk to your girlfriends about it until everyone is stuck with one collective upma craving.

 

 

46. You felt the ugly side of Holi.

47. Your kurti is your glow up outfit.

48. Your kurti is also your swimwear.

49. And running apparel.

50. The motorbike you were riding (and your leg) has run into a cow.

51. You skinny dipped in the Ganges.

52. You bobbed down the Ganges in an inner tube that was extracted from an actual tire by the teenage village boys whom you befriended.

53. You can name the seven essential Indian spices that always come in a circular spice box.

54. You treated yourself to a wild night in that consisted of some masala Bollywood and snacks.

 

 

55. You have 1.5 GB of high-speed internet per day on a phone plan sets you back less than $3 per month.

56. You ask strangers to help you recharge your Jio plan for multiple months at a time.

57. You travel with your own tiffin(s).

58. You shaved your head.

59. You shaved your head again.

60. You were called “bhaiya” after you shaved your head.

61. A baba has fed you a snack that he whipped out of his man purse.

 

 

62. You chose staying in India over returning to your country of citizenship during a pandemic.

63. A medical check for said pandemic meant a temperature gun being pointed at your head before getting waved aside without being asked for even your name.

64. When you switched states during a pandemic with an approved e-pass, the ages and genders of your group were incorrectly printed on the pass and it was taped to the dashboard for the whole road trip.

65. You ate vegetarian for multiple consecutive months and didn’t miss meat.

66. There are stubs of burnt dhoop lying around your room.

67. You start to recognize individual cows by their faces.

 

 

68. You can name the state that a vehicle is from by reading the first two letters on the license plate.

69. You cried your eyes out because your Ayurvedic eye drops contain onion extract.

70. You had custard apple ice cream at Natural Ice Cream.

71. You pop silver-coated cardamom seeds in your mouth to nibble as a mouth freshener and they came in a wee one-rupee packet.

72. You have Thums Up with your biryani.

73. You understand that biryani-eating is a hobby, a lifestyle, a passion.

74. You can name and have consumed over five types of dosa.

75. When you finish a banana, you throw the peel over your balcony at an oblivious cow who vacuums it up without a blink.

 

 

76. You clean your room with a ripped off shred of your Karnatakan lungyi.

77. You cried over video calls.

78. You cried yourself to sleep.

79. You cried during meditation.

80. When you eat, you’re more concerned about karma than calories.

81. New additions to your vocabulary include “the energy” and “in this life” and “it’s his/her/my/your karma” and “accept” and “surrender.”

82. You said “full powerrrr” when you felt socially awkward and had nothing meaningful to say.

83. Karnatakan banana buns is hands down the best Indian breakfast you’ve had.

84. Your heels have been cracked to a seemingly irreparable level.

85. These cracks are an appetizing black color from a collection of soils across India.

86. You write your Indian friends about a new food encounter and they don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

 

 

87. You have a go-to regime for dealing with food poisoning.

88. At times toe jam not only collects underneath your toenails, but also on top.

89. You travel with your own mixer grinder, crossing thousands of kilometers with that chonky thing.

90. Some of your favorite dhabas (small eateries) are run by Nepali families.

91. You appreciate every sari and revealed belly that sways by.

92. You ate from the same batch of dal for three or more meals in a row.

93. You had your senses squeezed out of you on a crowded public transit ride.

94. You sprawled out in a ladies-only train car.

95. You used “Namah Shivaya” as a greeting, a thank you, an okay, and a farewell.

96. You pre-ordered homemade yogurt from shopkeepers instead of buying the commercial yogurts until you learned from them how to make your own yogurt.

97. You lived above a cow and her udder was your alarm clock.

98. You saw a blue sky in downtown Delhi.

 

 

99. Your whole outfit was purchased in India and each piece comes from a different state.

100. This November you received more “Happy Diwali” messages than “Happy Thanksgiving” messages.

101. You bought IRCTC food and high-key regretted it two bites in.

102. You took a train ride that lasted longer than 24 hours.

 

 

103. You can no longer afford soy sauce.

104. After picking your veggies at the market stall you ask the vendor for complimentary green chilis and fresh coriander.

105. You added sitar and hand pan pieces to your main playlist.

106. You like your whiskey with some namkeem.

107. You watched your companions examine the mushrooms sprouting out of elephant dung.

108. Your tongue has had several layers burned off by an Ayurvedic hing digestive.

 

The 109th bead: You feel like you found yourself again.