warning: the photos in this post may upset the reader

day 1610

sri lanka

what is more beautiful than a bat?

nothing. truthfully.

i watched you fly in, dark shifting shapes circling, lost, trying to get out. like me trapped in my mind.

i took my time to get to the fan switch. just as i do, i hear a THONK. i don’t know if you hit the fan blade or if i hit the switch first.

your tiny body plummets headfirst to the floor, straight to the corner of my room from the velocity of the impact.

my face twists with pain and horror and shock at your unmoving beauty. WHY AREN’T YOU MOVING

i can’t use my parchment paper soap wrappers to scoop you up. i daintily lift you by your tiny foot-claws. i notice a scarlet stain on your velvet wing.

i notice the bone popped out. completely severed. i can’t react. i do react. i put iodine powder on you. you don’t react.

i know this moment is our karma but i can’t help serve myself some blame. for being a human who uses lights and fans. for not running faster to cut the fan. i clearly remember you entering, me finding the amusement in yet another bat, and taking a breath or two before getting to the switch. the next step was to open the door wide and let you out. it worked last time.

do you have a partner, a family?

all you wanted to do was eat fruit. and bugs.

all you wanted to do is chase calories and now you lie broken in a potted plant.

tagara, the father of my guesthouse family, takes one look and pronounces you dead. he comforts me. how grateful i am that the household is awake at 10pm.

your belly is pure plush but i cannot bring myself to poke you. i cannot molest the dead.

you are so beautiful. SO beautiful. your beauty, your lifeless grace become my obsession.

you had shuddered, you had stilled.

when i think of you, i shudder.